Three Headed Dragon

25 signs you have gronw up

2007-01-17T11:48:00.001-08:00

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good sh*t."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can’t drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh crap, what the hell happened?"

Bonus:

26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.

a reason to speed

2006-12-28T10:17:00.000-08:00

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership and past the Tim Horton's. Taking off down the Trans Canada, he floored it to 120 kph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the 401, pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the RCMP behind him, red and blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nut case as he floored it to 130 kph, then 140, then 150 kph.

Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!", pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Mountie to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the officer walked up to the driver's side of the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looking very seriously at the Mountie, said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with an RCMP officer. I thought you were bringing her back.

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Mountie.

Todd’s Annual News Letter December 2006

2006-12-21T17:14:00.000-08:00

Greetings! I hope this note finds you well. I am feeling good and looking forward to Christmas. It has been a great Christmas season so far and there’s more great stuff to come.

Marriage: Stephanie and I enjoyed our one-year anniversary (November 19th) by having a weekend up in wine country. Saturday night, we dined in Santa Rosa at a bistro called ‘Shiraz’ at their exclusive “Fountain Table”, which was like having our very own restaurant, surrounded by fountains. Sunday was a spa day in Calistoga with a mud bath, hot mineral soak, towel wrap, hour-long massages and facials. Being pampered in the wine country was a good way to celebrate each other and the great year of being together and just enjoying quiet time together.

Family: Stephanie was made an auntie for her first time (on the Kollmeyer side of the family)! Her brother, Chris, and his wife, Cammy, had their first little boy, Quinn, on July 23rd. They are living in Scotland now but have come to California for Christmas and some visits. In addition, my sister, Laura, and her husband, Robin, are had their second little boy, Spencer, on December 15th. We’re looking forward very much to welcoming Cammy’s Quinn and Laura’s Spencer to the families this Christmas season.

Moving: We left San Francisco this last July, my home these last ten years. We moved to Oakland, near the tree lined neighborhood of Piedmont. It’s a spacious one bedroom in a stylish 1920’s Moroccan style apartment building. We have quiet neighbors, easy parking and lots of storage space, all things unheard of in San Francisco. It’s alright...

Social Life: Moving to Oaktown is a little hard on our San Francisco based social life but we still attend many great parties. We enjoyed NYE at Deon and Jane’s Warehouse, dressed as pigs in space for Halloween (we were a convincing ‘Link Hogthrob’ & ‘Miss Piggy’), and enjoyed co-hosting a fantastic Bad Santa & Naughty Elf Christmas party at my old apartment in Potrero. This 5th year was easily the best yet. Joanna brought her shot-ski and Erik’s set up the portable exotic dancer pole, taking the party to new heights of fun and debauchery. (pictures available on request)

Camping: We went camping many times this year. A truly outstanding trip was backpacking in to Wheeler Lake in the high Sierras, with Stephanie’s Dad, willy. Other highlights included 4X4 camping at Duck Creek with Deon & Jane, as well as camping with them in Red Rock Canyon State Park this Thanksgiving long weekend.
We also did the annual trip to Burning Man. It was a great year as our camp really came together and the art and energy of the event was more intense than ever. We camped with Bob & Kat (newlyweds who are now expecting), Shannen & Jeff and Dave. One memorable evening, our friend Zach arrived like a celebrity, riding his massive 18-ton turn of the century steam engine, to dine at our camp for a Friday night sit down dinner. We later ride the engine across the playa (the dried-up lakebed which is the center of the event’s art) like rock stars!

Canada: I visited Whistler BC for the yearly Whistler Stupor Bowl guys’ weekend. I shared a room with Brian instead of staying at the insane frat-house. It was so much more civilized that this time we actually skied both days.
Stephanie and I went up to Vancouver at the end of May. It meant a lot to me to have the privilage of showing Stephanie the house in which I was raised, the Catholic school I attended (Vancouver College), the university at which I studied (University of British Columbia), where I played ice hockey (Arbutus Club), where I worked as a lifeguard (Vancouver’s beautiful beaches), the Theater I use to work at (Theater Under the Stars in Stanley Park), my favorite park (Whyte Cliff Park) and Whistler (the ski resort). We had a busy 4 days. The weather was terrible, but we had a great time anyway. For our last night in town there was one special English Bay sunset we enjoyed from the Sea Wall. Beauty was all around us as an extraordinary happy, warm bliss engulfed us with the post-sunset evening twilight.

Sports: I went thought the pain of trying a couple new hockey teams and settled on “The Citadel”. We’re middle of the pack and doing better each game. Each time I skate I remember how much I love and need to play hockey.
Breakout (the boat on which I race) had a rejuvenating year. Lloyd, the skipper and boat owner, is very pleased have picked up so eager and talented new race crew. I have moved from a student to a mentor, showing the newbies how to run the boat. As well, I’m flying the spinnaker now, a huge responsibility. We picked up a victory in our first race.
Stephanie and I had ski trips up to Tahoe this year. There were also some stellar ski days with Brian and one with Pete.
I joined the Oakland YMCA to get in shape, finally lose some weight and have the energy to play a meaner hockey game, ski better and just feel better about myself overall.

Work: I’m still at Visage Mobile as a computer programmer. It has been a rocky year with the uber painful ESPN account, on which we tackled many complex issues, only for them to give up and pull the plug for “tax reasons”. It was disappointing, but I will not miss their stress and pain. In the last few months things settled down and we have time to work more cogently. I had a very nice boss, Tor, start and leave in the same year. We still have other viable customers and now there are new opportunities which, with luck and hard work, could take us very far.

That’s all for this year’s newsletter! Have a Merry Christmas, great New Year and a Happy Holiday!

2006-12-18T12:58:00.000-08:00

Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....
Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate? Why is France so far away?
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, JingleBells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells , Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

T'was the Night before Christmas

2006-12-07T09:51:00.001-08:00

T'was the night before Christmas,
He lived all alone,
In a one bedroom house,
Made of plaster and stone.

I had come down the chimney,
With presents to give,
And to see just who,
In this home did live.

I looked all about,
A strange sight I did see,
No tinsel, no presents,
Not even a tree.

No stocking by the mantle,
Just boots filled with sand,
On the wall hung pictures,
Of far distant lands.

With medals and badges,
Awards of all kinds,
A sober thought,
Came through my mind.

For this house was different,
It was dark and dreary,
I found the home of a soldier,
Once I could see clearly.

The soldier lay sleeping,
Silent, alone,
Curled up on the floor,
In this one bedroom home.

The face was so gentle,
The room in such disorder,
Not how I pictured,
A Canadian soldier.

Was this the hero,
Of whom I'd just read?,
Curled up on a poncho,
The floor for a bed?

I realized the families,
That I saw this night,
Owed their lives to these soldiers,
Who were willing to fight.

Soon round the world,
The children would play,
And grownups would celebrate,
A bright Christmas day.

They all enjoyed freedom,
Each month of the year,
Because of the soldiers,
Like the one lying here.

I couldn't help wonder,
How many lay alone,
On a cold Christmas eve,
In a land far from home.

The very thought brought,
A tear to my eye,
I dropped to my knees,
And started to cry.

The soldier awakened,
And I heard a rough voice,
"Santa, don't cry,
This life is my choice.

I fight for freedom,
I don't ask for more,
My life is my god,
My country, my corps."

The soldier rolled over,
And drifted to sleep,
I couldn't control it,
I continued to weep.

I kept watch for hours,
So silent and still,
And we both shivered,
From the cold night's chill.

I didn't want to leave,
On that cold, dark night,
This guardian of honour,
So willing to fight.

Then the soldier rolled over,
With a voice, soft and pure,
Whispered, "carry on Santa,
It's Christmas day, all is secure."

One look at my watch,
And I knew he was right,
"Merry Christmas my friend,
And to all a good night."

This poem was written by a Peace Keeping Soldier stationed overseas.

Christmas Joke

2006-12-06T09:33:00.000-08:00

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle" he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

Scam: Home Depot customers beware!!

2006-12-05T14:54:00.000-08:00

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you! Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowe's. You agree, and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, Twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, &24th. Also December 1st, 3rd, twice on the 5th, three times just yesterday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So, be careful.

The Value of a Drink or 2

2006-11-30T10:13:00.000-08:00

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some , it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Buffalo Theory of Drinking:

"A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
~ Cliff Clavin from Cheers

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

PIN NUMBER REVERSAL (GOOD TO KNOW)

2006-11-21T09:34:00.000-08:00

If you should ever be forced by a robber to withdraw money from
an ATM machine, you can notify the police by entering your Pin # in reverse.

For example if your pin number is 1234 then you would put in 4321. The ATM recognizes that your pin number is backwards from the ATM card you placed in the machine.

The machine will still give you the money you requested, but unknown to the robber, the police will be immediately dispatched to help you.

This information was recently broadcasted on TV and it states that it is seldom used
because people don't know it exists.

Please pass this along to everyone possible.

Lipstick in School

2006-11-08T09:36:00.000-08:00

According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick, and would put it on in the washroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

He called all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are Educators

5 Good Reasons to Vote Today ... a letter from Michael Moore

2006-11-07T08:20:00.000-08:00

November, 7th, 2006

5 Good Reasons to Vote Today

1. IT'S A NATIONAL REFERENDUM. Although candidates' names will be on the ballot today, this election is NOT about this candidate or that candidate. Make no mistake about it: This election is nothing less than a National Referendum on George W. Bush and his War. Don't waste your time trying to learn about who the schlump is that's running for office. You know they're all pretty much the same, a few are better than others, but... please. They is who they is. THIS election is not about them. It's a simple up or down vote on staying the course.

To vote in favor of the war, vote for the Republican. To vote against the war, vote for the Democrat. As crazy as it sounds, even if the Republican is against the war, or the Democrat is for it, it doesn't matter. All that will matter by midnight tonight is the math on the big tote board. Did America say YES to Bush or NO to Bush? The ONLY way they're going to add it up is by counting the number of votes under the big D and the big R. The only way to take a stand against Bush today is to vote for the Dems on the ballot.

2. IN ORDER TO CATCH THE REPUBLICANS STEALING YOUR VOTE, YOU FIRST HAVE TO VOTE. There are huge and valid concerns about the new electronic voting machines that must be addressed. It is far too easy to use new technology to rig the vote. But if your fear of that leads you to decide that you shouldn't bother voting, well, then, I guess they've succeeded in snuffing out your voice without having to rig the machine. Make them break the law if they want to win. Vote. We'll catch them if they do. I promise.

3. WITH THE DEMOCRATS IN POWER IN THE HOUSE AND/OR SENATE, WE CAN GO AFTER THEM! These spineless Democrats who enabled Bush to start this war and funded it ever since are due for a shellacking from all of us. For nearly 6 years, they've hidden behind the cop-out of, "Hey, we're the minority, we have no power." As of tomorrow, hopefully, they will have no mask to hide behind. And it will be up to us to go after them.

4. I'LL PUT YOU ON MY WEBSITE. That's right. You can appear on my home page and be seen by millions later today. All you need to do is bring a broom when you go to vote. The broom is our mascot today because we're going to sweep the crooks and the warmongers outta office. Take a picture of yourself holding a broom outside your polling place, e-mail it to me, and I'll put as many of you as I can up on the home page of my website. People all around the world will see you! Government files with your name on them will be initiated! What better way to celebrate this historic day?!

And the final reason to vote today...

5. 2,836 + 655,000. Each one of them, American and Iraqi, are no longer with us because of the decision by one man to start a war. Each one of them represented a precious, God-given life that no man had the right to take away. Each one of them had a mother and father, sisters, brothers, husbands, wives, friends and loved ones, little boys and little girls. It's mad, my friends, utterly mad, this senseless loss of human life.

So, do it for them. Call up whoever you know and tell them to meet you at the polls. And tell them to bring a broom, real or imaginary, with a big D on it. It's the only true American thing to do.

See ya at the victory party tonight!

Michael Moore
mmflint@aol.com
www.michaelmoore.com

P.S. Forward this to all your friends. Today is the day.

do gooders!

2006-11-03T09:35:00.000-08:00

At a U2 concert in Glasgow, Bono asked the audience for some quiet.

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands.

Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone,

"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice from near the front pierced the silence,

"Well, stop fuc*ing doing it then!"

Politics for dummies [some new]

2006-11-01T11:42:00.000-08:00

DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one,
milk
the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd
one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are
surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to
the
analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary
cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer,
give
excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really
have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's
private
parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find
alternatives
to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk
them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best
accidentally
vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you
think
is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

THE 6 BEST SMART ANSWERS OF 2006

2006-10-31T09:36:00.000-08:00

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket
and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said,
"Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store
but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads,
"Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,
"Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says,
"No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,
or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student,
shakes her head and sweetly says,
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

wal-mart wine

2006-09-22T08:51:00.000-07:00

BENTONVILLE, ARK (AP) -- Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able
to sample a new discount item -- Wal-Mart's own brand of wine.

The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of
Modesto, Calif., to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the
$6-8 range.

While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of
Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for
cheap wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams
University in Bristol, R.I. She said: "The right name is important."

So here we go: The top 12 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:

12. Chateau Traileur Parc
11. White Trashfindel
10. Big Red Gulp
9. Grape Expectations
8. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"
7. NASCARbernet
6. Chef Boyardeaux
5. Peanut Noir
4. Chateau des Moines
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Riesling

And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine ...

1. Nasti Spumante

its international 'talk like a pirate day'

2006-09-19T09:48:00.000-07:00

YAR!!! Shiver me timbers, it be International Talk Like a Pirate Day!!

CLICK HERE

So call up yer friends and talk like a pirate!!! YAR!!

joke: why they split-up

2006-09-14T14:15:00.000-07:00

She told him we couldn't afford beer anymore and he'd have to quit.

Then he caught her spending:

$65.00 on make-up,
$150 for a cut & color,
$30 for a manicure, $40 for a pedicure,
$50 on vitamins,
$300 on clothes,
$600 for a gym membership.

He asked how come he had to give up stuff and not her.

She said she needed it to look pretty for me.

He told her that was what the beer was for.

He doesn't think she's coming back.

Letter written by a farm kid, sent from the MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING Centre:

2006-09-11T10:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 A.M. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee.

Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and it don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Carol

hillbilly logic

2006-09-08T12:49:00.000-07:00

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly: "My blonde wife sure is stupid... she bought an air conditioner!"

2nd Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'! My blonde wife is so stupid, she
bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!"

1st Hillbilly: "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly: "Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

3rd Hillbilly : "That ain't nuthin'! My redhead wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in there."

1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "Well what's so dumb about that?"

3rd Hillbilly: "She ain't got no pecker!!!"

to kill an american....

2006-09-07T16:34:00.000-07:00

You probably missed it in the rush of news last week, but there was actually a report that someone in Pakistan had published in a newspaper an offer of a reward to anyone who killed an American, any American.

So an Australian dentist wrote an editorial the following day to let everyone know what an American is . So they would know when they found one. (Good one, mate!!!!)

"An American is English, or Canadian, or French, or Italian, Irish, German, Spanish, Polish, Russian or Greek. An American may also be Mexican, African, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Australian, Iranian, Asian, or Arab, or Pakistani or Afghan.

An American may also be a Comanche, Cherokee, Osage, Blackfoot, Navaho, Apache, Seminole or one of the many other tribes known as native Americans.

An American is Christian, or he could be Jewish, or Buddhist, or Muslim. In fact, there are more Muslims in America than in Afghanistan. The only difference is that in America they are free to worship as each of them chooses.

An American is also free to believe in no religion. For that he will answer only to God, not to the government, or to armed thugs claiming to speak for the government and for God.

An American lives in the most prosperous land in the history of the world. The root of that prosperity can be found in the Declaration of Independence, which recognizes the God given right of each person to the pursuit of happiness.

An American is generous. Americans have helped out just about every other nation in the world in their time of need, never asking a thing in return. Warren Buffet just gave over 30 BILLION to world relief.

When Afghanistan was over-run by the Soviet army 20 years ago, Americans came with arms and supplies to enable the people to win back their country!

As of the morning of September 11, Americans had given more than any other nation to the poor in Afghanistan. Americans welcome the best of everything...the best products, the best books, the best music, the best food, the best services. But they also welcome the least.

The national symbol of America, The Statue of Liberty, welcomes your tired and your poor, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores, the homeless, tempest tossed. These in fact are the people who built America.

Some of them were working in the Twin Towers the morning of September 11, 2001 earning a better life for their families. It's been told that the World Trade Center victims were from at least 30 different countries, cultures, and first languages, including those that aided and abetted the terrorists.

So you can try to kill an American if you must. Hitler did. So did General Tojo, and Stalin, and Mao Tse-Tung, and other blood-thirsty tyrants in the world. But, in doing so you would just be killing yourself. Because Americans are not a particular people from a particular place. They are the embodiment of the human spirit of freedom. Everyone who holds to that spirit, everywhere, is an American.

Please keep this going. Pass this around the World and then pass it around again. It says it all, for all of us!

love hurts

2006-09-05T13:56:00.000-07:00

A very old couple that have been married forever are sitting on the porch one night.

Suddenly, the old woman reaches over and smacks her husband, knocking him off the porch and into the bushes.

He crawls back up and asks, "What was that for?"

She says, "For having such a little pecker."

He sits there quietly a moment, then smacks her hard, sending her off the other side of the porch and into the bushes.

She crawls back and says, "What the hell was that for?"

He says, "For knowing there was more than one size!"

a little wisdom goes a long way

2006-08-24T10:05:00.000-07:00

A long time ago in China, a girl named Li-Li got married & went to live with her husband and mother-in-law. In a very short time, Li-Li found that she couldn't get along with her mother-in-law at all. Their personalities were very different, and Li-Li was angered by many of her mother-in-law's habits. In addition, she criticized Li-Li constantly.

Days passed, and weeks passed. Li-Li and her mother-in-law never stopped arguing and fighting.But what made the situation even worse was that, according to ancient Chinese tradition, Li-Li had to bow to her mother-in-law and obey her every wish. All the anger and unhappiness in the house was causing Li-Li's poor husband great distress.

Finally, Li-Li could not stand her mother-in-law's bad temper and dictatorship any longer, and she decided to do something about it!

Li-Li went to see her father's good friend, Mr. Huang, who sold herbs. She told him the situation and asked if he would give her some poison so that she could solve the problem once and for all. Mr.Huang thought for awhile, and finally said, "Li-Li, I will help you solve your problem, but you must listen to me and obey what I tell you."

Li-Li said, "Yes, Mr. Huang, I will do whatever you tell me to do."

Mr.Huang went into the back room, and returned in a few minutes with a package of herbs. He told Li-Li, "You can't use a quick-acting poison to get rid of your mother-in-law, because that would cause people to become suspicious. Therefore, I have given you a number of herbs that will slowly build up poison in her body. Every other day prepare some delicious meal and put a little of these herbs in her serving.

Now, in order to make sure that nobody suspect You. When she dies, you must be very careful to act very friendly towards her. "Don't argue with her, obey her every wish, and treat her like a queen."

Li-Li was so happy. She thanked Mr. Huang and hurried home to start her plot of murdering her mother-in-law.Weeks went by, and months went by, and every other day, Li-Li served the specially treated food to her mother-in-law. She remembered what Mr. Huang had said about avoiding suspicion, so she controlled her temper, obeyed her mother-in-law, and treated her like her own mother.After six months had passed, the whole household had changed. Li-Li had practiced controlling her temper so much that she found that she almost never got mad or upset.

She hadn't had an argument with her mother-in-law in six months because she now seemed much kinder and easier to get along with.The mother-in-law's attitude toward Li-Li changed, and she began to love Li-Li like her own daughter. She kept telling friends and relatives that Li-Li was the best daughter-in-law one could ever find.Li-Li and her mother-in-law were now treating each other like a real mother and daughter. Li-Li's husband was very happy to see what was happening.

One day, Li-Li came to see Mr. Huang and asked for his help again.She said, "Dear Mr. Huang, please help me to keep the poison from killing my mother-in-law! She's changed into such a nice woman, and I love her like my own mother. I do not want her to die because of the poison I gave her."

Mr. Huang smiled and nodded his head. "Li-Li, there's nothing to worry about. I never gave you any poison. The herbs I gave you were vitamins to improve her health. The only poison was in your mind and your attitude toward her, but that has been all washed away by the love which you gave to her."

the good wife's guide

2006-08-17T09:55:00.000-07:00

This is from an actual article from Housekeeping Monthly in 1955. Man, those guys sure had it GOOD. :)

CLICK the pitcure to enlarge it so you cna read the bullet points. It might be worth saving to your dektop and opening it at a larger size so you can see it.

According to the guide, "A good wife knows her place"...

scamming the scammer

2006-08-08T15:05:00.000-07:00

This is a pretty interesting read about some guy who decides to scam the scammers. It's long but worth it. When Ali G enters the picture, then Craig Charles (lead actor from the BBC Sci-Fi hit "Red Dwarf"), it gets pretty funny!

CLICK HERE

noah & the ark of 2006

2006-08-07T09:02:00.000-07:00

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the Earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard -- but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea.

I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go! When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I 'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. "

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

watch out for kid logic...

2006-08-05T12:09:00.000-07:00

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".

-------------------------------------------
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

-------------------------------------------
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

-------------------------------------------
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

-------------------------------------------
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

-------------------------------------------
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing up right in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

-------------------------------------------
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

what were they thinking?

2006-08-03T08:18:00.000-07:00

All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear ... and be misread.

Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com
Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com
Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net
Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com
There's the Italian Power Generator company, www.powergenitalia.com
And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales , www.molestationnursery.com
If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always www.ipanywhere.com
The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is www.cummingfirst.com
And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site, www.speedofart.com

things that are SO wrong

2006-08-02T10:19:00.000-07:00

Gay Darth Vader will use the Force to...

funny questions

2006-08-01T14:31:00.000-07:00

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

That which is...beautiful is not always good, but that which is good is always beautiful.
...Ninon de L'Enclos

why did the chicken cross the road?

2006-07-31T08:56:00.000-07:00

- everyone has a comment

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.

OPRAH: Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to kno w if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DONALD RUMSFELD: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

ANDERSON COOPER/CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.

JUDGE JUDY: Tha t chicken cr ossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Bec ause the chicken w as gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why they call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that!

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serio us case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2006, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The Platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C \..... reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS: "Did I miss one?"

new rules for 2006

2006-07-28T13:06:00.000-07:00

Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Ahi steak?

Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some bourbon (Knob Creek preferred) over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a$$hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a$$hole.

I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show".

I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people's version of looting.

And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 1/2 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not cheese And I didn't really care in the first place.

purina diet

2006-07-26T13:59:00.000-07:00

Story:

"I have a dog & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack as he staggered out the door laughing loudly."

thoughts on drinking

2006-07-20T13:54:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame , then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like aretard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logicallyconverse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theoryto his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first Thisnatural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a fewbeers."

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whisperingwhen you are not.

the cowboy

2006-07-17T11:24:00.000-07:00

A West Texas cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within moments he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses ! a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows........

Now give me back my dog."

gender for inanimate objects

2006-07-12T10:49:00.000-07:00

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their a*se. Then of course,there's the hot air factor.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

one red paperclip

2006-07-11T12:32:00.000-07:00

Now this is an amazing story that could only take place in the world of Craigslist and the Internet.

It's amazing what people can do when they put their mind to it. It makes me think of the W.H. Murray quote at the top left hand side of my blog here.

CLICK HERE to go to the Yahoo! news story about this guy. It provides a nice summary.

CLICK HERE to go to the story of one red paperclip

the bunny and the snake

2006-07-10T18:08:00.000-07:00

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. by the way, what kind of animal are you?"

"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"

Then he said, "I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?"

The snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

So the bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy, and you haven't got any balls... You must be a far right-wing Republican politician.

getting into heaven

2006-07-07T10:42:00.000-07:00

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.

Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven ," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was Donald Trump.
"Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

Trump said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven ," and he lets Trump enter.

A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says, "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died."

Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......"

retirement bonus

2006-07-06T14:06:00.000-07:00

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied, " Vietnam "

headlines from the year 2029

2006-07-05T15:56:00.000-07:00

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California . White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq , Afghanistan , Syria and Lebanon ).

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica .

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-years, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. (Hummmmmmmmm)

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines

mexican computer virus

2006-07-04T15:00:00.000-07:00

senor........

buenos dias!!! jou have yust receibed a mehican byrus.

sin we no habe so good techniologically adbance in mehico, dees is a manual byrus.

pleese delete all jour files on jour hard-dribe jourself and send thees e-mail to eberyone jou know.

tank jou for halping me.

julio manuel jose rodriguez-garcia

give and take...

2006-07-03T13:39:00.000-07:00

Married 25 years. Took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, we slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV. But I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde."

"Now we have a nice house, a nice car, a king-size bed and a plasma big screen TV. But I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She then told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde. And that she would make sure that I was once again living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10 inch black and white TV.

nice floor!!

2006-06-30T09:26:00.000-07:00

you've been drinking......

and then you have to visit the bathroom...

you open the door....

now, remember, the floor is just a painted floor!

NOT GOOD!!! What sick bastard paints a floor like that?

CLICK THE PICTURE TO ENLARGE...

the missing rooster

2006-06-29T17:23:00.000-07:00

The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing!

The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.

During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?

All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

name that crowd!!

2006-06-28T13:28:00.000-07:00

The NBA, the NFL or maybe the HELLS ANGELS M.C. ??

36 have been accused of spousal abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

19 have been accused of writing bad checks

117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3 have done time for assault

71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21 currently are defendants in lawsuits

84 have been arrested for drunk driving IN THE LAST YEAR

CAN YOU GUESS WHICH ORGANIZATION THIS IS??

IT'S NOT THE NBA OR THE NFL, NOR IS IT THE HELLS ANGELS M.C.

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress.

The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

Also, THEY JUST VOTED THEMSELVES A $15,000 PER MONTH PENSION FOR LIFE AFTER SERVING ONLY ONE TERM IN CONGRESS!!

formula of how to get ahead at work

2006-06-22T08:01:00.000-07:00

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 1 6 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the BULLSHIT and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

union rules

2006-06-20T11:02:00.000-07:00

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house.

We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

helping the aging housewife

2006-06-18T22:39:00.000-07:00

It is important for men to remember that as woman grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive and theres nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife Julie. When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Julie to take a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the gold course about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I dont yell at her. Instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Mens Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. Im ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now its not unusual for them sit on the table for several hours dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they wont clean themselves. I know that she really appreciates this as it seems to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take them for better or worse so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she wont have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldnt hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. Im a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way that I support Julie. Im not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better that I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,

Ron

EDITORS NOTE: Ron died suddenly on May 27th. The police report says that he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed up his rear, with only 2 inches showing. His wife Julie was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that he accidentally sat down on it suddenly.

how to say 'I love you' in 25 languages.....

2006-06-16T14:55:00.000-07:00

English

I Love You

Spanish

Te Amo

French

Je T'aime

German

lch Liebe Dich

Japanese

Ai Shite Imasu

Thai

Phom rak khun

Italian

Ti amo

Chinese

Wo Ai Ni

Swedish

Jag Alskar

Arkansas
Kansas
Oklahoma
Texas
North Carolina
South Carolina
Georgia
Tennessee
Idaho
Missouri
Mississippi
Montana
Louisiana
Virginia
West Virginia
Kentucky
parts of Florida

Nice Ass , Get in the truck

amazing honda commercial

2006-06-15T14:28:00.000-07:00

This took over 3 months to film, 606 video takes, and on the last one, everything came together as planned.

And you thought those people that set up roomfulls of dominos to knock over were amazing...

There are no computer graphics or digital tricks in the film.

Everything you see really happened in real time exactly as you see it.

The film took 606 takes. On the first 605 takes, something,usually very minor, didn't work.

They would then have to set the whole thing up again. The crew spent weeks shooting night and day. By the time it was over, they were ready to change professions. The film cost six million dollars and took three months to complete
including full engineering of the sequence.

In addition, it's two minutes long so every time Honda airs the film on British television, they're shelling out enough dough to keep any one of us in clover for a lifetime.

However, it is fast becoming the most downloaded advertisement in Internet history.

Honda executives figure the ad will soon pay for itself simply in "free viewings" (Honda isn't paying a dime to have you watch this commercial!). When the ad was pitched to senior executives, they signed off on it immediately without any hesitation - including the costs.

There are six and only six hand-made Honda Accords in the world. To the horror of Honda engineers, the filmmakers disassembled two of them to make the film.

Everything you see in the film (aside from the walls, floor, ramp, and complete Honda Accord) is parts from those two cars. The voiceover is Garrison Keillor. When the ad was shown to Honda executives, they liked it and commented on how amazing computer graphics have gotten.

They fell off their chairs when they found out it was for real.

Oh. and about those funky windshield wipers. On the new Accords, the windshield wipers have water sensors and are designed to start doing their thing automatically as soon as they become wet. It looks a bit weird in the commercial.

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/honda.php

Our new home as of July 1

2006-06-13T10:14:00.000-07:00

This is the building where Todd and Stephanie will be living in Peidmont as of July 1. Can't wait!

Here's the description from Craigslist:

1br - Completely Unique Moroccan Style*Views*Never Vacant*Don't miss this

Sits on top of a hill overlooking all bay area
Moroccan Style architecture
Even the lobby has beamed ceilings and a fireplace.
Large 1 bedroom with big rooms
Hardwood floors
Lots and lots of details
Very unique
Has not had a vacancy here in a year.

nicely put

2006-06-13T09:17:00.000-07:00

CLICK on the image to see a larger version so you can read the text

border news - illegal immigration blues

2006-06-12T14:29:00.000-07:00

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The unflinching arrogance of the Bush Administration is prompting the exodus among liberal citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists, and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota . The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. I didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay."

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So, he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not really effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. "A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a pleasant little Napa Valley cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR.

Liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"

In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada , Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said. "We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts, and we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is determined to reach out."

A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of America

2006-06-02T14:02:00.000-07:00

"In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

2. Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter "U" will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix 'ize' will be replaced by the suffix 'ise'. Generally, you willbe expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary).

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will letMicrosoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of ize.

You will relearn your original national anthem "God Save the Queen", forgetting "My Country Tis of Thee" which you put to the same tune

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.

A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you havebeen calling gasoline) - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.

American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

redneck forces

2006-05-17T15:48:00.000-07:00

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF) .

These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, West Virginia, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee, and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists :

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

true love that has lasted the test of time

2006-05-10T19:31:00.000-07:00

Click picture to enlarge so you can read their heartwarming story

corporate spin on an old joke

2006-05-08T09:46:00.000-07:00

A guy joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.

On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: "Bring to me a cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialed the Wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No" replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you MORON?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.

"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put down the phone

maude and claude

2006-05-04T17:10:00.000-07:00

Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a retirement community. They met in the social center and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. And despite his age, Claude was still a charmer.

Afterward, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.

Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been more gentle.

"Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose.

water and wine education

2006-05-03T15:30:00.000-07:00

WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in faeces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Doo Doo.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

WATER = Doo Doo
WINE = HEALTH

Free yourself of Doo Doo, drink WINE!!!

It is better to drink wine and talk Doo Doo than to drink water and be full of shit. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing it as a public service.

Have a nice day..

an eyeful a day keeps the doctor away

2006-05-01T10:57:00.000-07:00

By Jonathan Hayter

Staring at women's breasts is good for men's health and makes them live longer, a new survey reveals.

Researchers have discovered that a 10 minute ogle at women's breasts is as healthy as half-an-hour in the gym. A five-year study of 200 men found that those who enjoyed a
longing look at busty beauties had lower blood pressure, less heart disease and slower pulse rates compared to those who did not their daily eyeful.

Dr.Karen Weatherby, who carried out the German study, wrote in the New England Journal of Medicine: "Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well endowed female is
roughly equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics workout.

"Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation.

"There is no question that gazing at breasts makes men healthier.

"Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of a stroke and heart attack in half.

"We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five years."

red skelton’s recipe for the perfect marriage

2006-04-29T10:17:00.000-07:00

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There a re too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" ... So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"

growing up...

2006-04-28T09:17:00.000-07:00

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo choo."

She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use "Big People' words."

She then asked little Alec what he had done.

"I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride,and said, "Winnie the SHIT."

nice crotch shot...

2006-04-27T17:25:00.000-07:00

Digital Camera: 199.00
Lunch in arcarde with friend: 9.58
Picture with friend with big boner in the back ground: priceless

7 kinds of sex

2006-04-26T14:37:00.000-07:00

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little from time-to-time, but not enough to live on.

would you hire this guy?

2006-04-21T12:28:00.000-07:00

Resume of G. Daddy "Pop Gun" Patterson

Objective
To obtain a position in a really good company, one that has leather chairs and really good, wooden desks.

February 2005 Present
Mobile DVD Rentals Owner/Operator/CEO
Duties included driving a converted milk truck through sub-divisions and renting out movies. I would ring the bell, like the old ice cream truck guys, and parents and kids would come running out of their flimsy McMansions with cash to rent dvds. Also provided popcorn and liquorices. Sold it to a veteran who painted it camouflage and only rents Vietnam War movies.

September 2004 November 2004
No Kidding, I'm Honest Inc. Owner/Operator/CEO
Regularly borrowed money from friends and family members then took the train to Atlantic City everyday to play roulette. Duties included dressing in a white dinner jacket and talking like Humphrey Bogart. At the end of each day I would hitchhike back to the shelter for a hot meal. Finally had to quit the business after being banned from each of the casinos.

April 2003 July 2004
Inventor Owner/Operator/CEO
Invented quite a few products, most notably the Trouser Stretcher and a device that makes you invisible while driving through New Jersey. Government agents, posing as venture capital guys, took the New Jersey thing from me, but two of them did use the Trouser Stretcher before they left. Tried to get my products patented but found out that costs money so I ended up trading them for a bunch of those glow-in-the-dark necklaces that you see at concerts.

August 2001 March 2003
I really don't remember that time

February 1999 July 2001
Cheap Land Deals Inc. - Owner/Operator/CEO
Raised money from advertising beachfront land for sale in the Caribbean. I didn't actually own the land and I think some of the people that did became a little irritated when the new "owners" showed up for vacation. Invested most of the money I earned in a Flying Car venture that a friend was working on in his basement. He says he is still working on it.

Education
Reading mostly. I like anything about UFO's and I just finished "101 Uses For A Lasso." I can do some math without a calculator and have the uncanny ability to predict when somebody is about to behave like Ethel Merman. Also, pretty good on the Internets.

Hobbies
Calling strangers and pretending to be Louis Armstrong
Hunting for Big Foot
Rubbing up against people on the bus

how queer can you get?

2006-04-20T09:07:00.000-07:00

no comment...

bill gates' advice

2006-04-19T09:22:00.000-07:00

Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Saying the right thing at the right time

2006-04-18T13:59:00.000-07:00

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. But when he looks around everything is in order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house and there is a note from his wife.

"I will make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son.....what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that into the door."

Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!....Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, LEAVE ME ALONE LADY, I'M MARRIED!"

happy easter

2006-04-13T14:06:00.000-07:00

Easter Egg Hunt!

the wet coast

2006-04-10T09:25:00.000-07:00

A woman died, and found herself in a long line for judgment. As she stood there she noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others, though, were led over to Satan, who threw them into the burning pit.

But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul into a small pile off to one side. After watching Satan do this several times, the woman's curiosity got the better of her.

So she strolled over to find out what the devil he was doing. "Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," she said. "I'm waiting my turn for judgment, but couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside, instead of flinging them into the fires of Hell with the others?"

"Ah, those," Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Vancouver and Victoria,they're too wet to burn!"

help a brother man out!!

2006-04-05T16:30:00.000-07:00

Click on this link:

http://www.helpwinmybet.com/

Not only is it funny, but you'll help a guy towards getting his girlfriend to agree to do something she woud not otherwise...

husband and wife stores

2006-04-05T09:51:00.000-07:00

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in San Francisco, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

A New Wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

catholic school fun

2006-04-04T12:03:00.000-07:00

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?" When Mary Margaret didn't stir little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But Mary didn't stir from her slumber once again; Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. "Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" The Nun fainted!!

thoughts on friendship

2006-04-03T13:06:00.000-07:00

When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whateveris choking you.

When you smile-- I will know you finally got laid.

When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

When you are confused -- I will use little words.

When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end.

------------------------------

Remember.......A good friend will help you move..... a REALLY good friend will help you move a body.......let me know if You ever need me to bring a shovel.

------------------------------

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth!

questions about 2010 vancouver olympics

2006-03-31T16:21:00.000-08:00

Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics these are some questions people the world over are asking!!!! Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website (frightening, isn't it!)

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

one way to get to the altar..

2006-03-27T11:53:00.000-08:00

priorities priorities...

2006-03-25T18:11:00.000-08:00

On Wednesday, March 1, 2006, in Annapolis at a hearing on the proposed Constitutional Amendment to prohibit gay marriage, Jamie Raskin, professor of law at AU, was requested to testify.

At the end of his testimony, Republican Senator Nancy Jacobs said: "Mr.Raskin, my Bible says marriage is only between a man and a woman. What do you have to say about that?"

Raskin replied: "Senator, when you took your oath of office, you placed your hand on the Bible and swore to uphold the Constitution. You did not place your hand on the Constitution and swear to uphold the Bible."

The room erupted with applause.

domestic fun

2006-03-23T14:14:00.000-08:00

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new automobile for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from zero to 200 in four seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services will be at Downing Funeral Home on Monday, the 12th. Due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service. Please send your donations to the "Think Before You Say Things To Your Wife Foundation," Reno, NV.

20 questions...

2006-03-22T11:46:00.000-08:00

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "shit."

Hormone hostage

2006-03-20T10:39:00.000-08:00

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a
man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own
hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's
license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant
other!!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

13 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff........And my favorite one...
13. Potential Murder Suspect

Pass this onto all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a
good laugh! Or men who need a warning! And remember: Money talks...but
chocolate sings.

zen and the wisdom of life

2006-03-16T17:10:00.000-08:00

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

3. Sex is like air -- it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

4. No one is listening until you fart.

5. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

6. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you
have their shoes.

7. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

8. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

9. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was worth it.

10. Don't worry--It only seems kinky the first time.

11. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of bad experience comes from bad judgment.

12. There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one works.

13. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

14. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

another cartoon blamed for riot in london

2006-03-15T14:12:00.000-08:00

15,000 atheists in London have rioted after a blank sheet of paper was found on a cartoonist's desk.

bad idea...

2006-03-15T09:52:00.000-08:00

protestors beware

a very clever medical examiner

2006-03-13T10:57:00.000-08:00

Do you like to read a good murder mystery? Not even Law and Order would attempt to capture this mess. This is an unbelievable twist of fate!!!!

At the annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS President Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:

On March 23, 1994....... the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus, and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide..

He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

"Ordinarily," Dr Mills continued, "Someone who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide." That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.

The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously, and he was threatening her with a shotgun! The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife, and the pellets went through the window,

striking Mr. Opus. When one intends to kill subject "A" but kills subject "B" in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject "B."

When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant, and both said that they thought the shotgun was not loaded. The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, assuming the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident..

It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.

Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisite twist... Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window.

The son, Ronald Opus, had actually murdered himself. So the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

A true story from Associated Press, (Reported by Kurt Westervelt)

marriage jokes

2006-03-11T08:48:00.000-08:00

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

" A Woman's Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods.! Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death "

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end if your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus .. so shut the hell up."

simple home remedies

2006-03-08T10:30:00.000-08:00

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

* You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
* If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
* If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

Some people are like Slinkies...Not really good for anything, but still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs

the evolution of technology

2006-03-07T15:37:00.000-08:00

Here's an interesting tidbit. Is it true?

Aftre reading it, you can check out the veracity at good old Snopes.com

=================================

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? ! Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their regions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing..

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses...

Now the twist to the story.

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, ! or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

.... and you thought being a HORSE'S ASS wasn't important!

top ten most polite ways to say your zipper is down....

2006-03-06T13:52:00.000-08:00

10 The cucumber has left the salad.
9 Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells
8 You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position
7 Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson
6 Elvis is leaving the building
5 The Buick is not all the way in the garage
4 Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction
3 You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones
2 Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes withVenus
1 I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts

HST Overdrive's person favorite:

the gate is open but the beast is alseep

2006-03-04T10:31:00.000-08:00

Check this out! My buddy Dan and his wife, Laura (from Nightline) are on the cover of this month's Washingtonian. Man, they got the life or what?

You can visit the website here: http://www.washingtonian.com

colonoscopy comments

2006-03-04T10:26:00.000-08:00

Colonoscopies are no joke , but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of all...

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up here?"

an irish friendship wish

2006-03-02T10:20:00.000-08:00

May there always be work for your hands to do,
May your purse always hold a coin or two,
May the sun always shine on your windowpane,
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain,
May the hand of a friend always be near you,
May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.

P.S.: this applies to all you non-Irish also

einstein's birthday

2006-03-01T13:11:00.000-08:00

Next month will be the anniversary of Albert Einstein's birthday. He was born March 14, 1879.

Few remember that Einstein married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.

He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed.

He postulated that, if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection.

It was called Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.

fukitol

2006-02-27T09:53:00.000-08:00

Just what the average American worker needs...

top adult jokes of 2004

2006-02-24T08:49:00.000-08:00

Number 4

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

Number 3

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Number 2

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't!" she exclaimed.

"Yes, I did." he replied.

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

Number 1

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said.

"We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.

"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

valentine's day for men

2006-02-23T12:13:00.000-08:00

Every 14th of February men get the chance to display their fondness for their wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic.

Every Valentines Day man rack their brains for that one special, unique gift that will show their wife or girlfriend that they really love them more than anything. Now ladies, I'll let you in on a little secret.... guys really don't enjoy this. Sure seeing that smile on their face when we get it right is priceless, but that smile is the result of weeks of blood, sweat and consideration. Another secret.... guys feel left out. That's right... left out.

There's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it. Which is why a new holiday has been created. March 20th is now officially "Steak and Blowjob Day". Simple, effective and self-explanatory.... this holiday has been created so ladies finally have a day to show their man just how much they love him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town - the name of the holiday explains it all.... just a steak and a BJ. That's it!

Finally, this twin pair of Valentines Day and Steak and Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual love machine. The word is already beginning to spread, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world.

kids and religion...

2006-02-15T13:43:00.000-08:00

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Pastor said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

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After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand and yell, than to sit and listen."

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A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."

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A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

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A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

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After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"

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Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. The Flight to Egypt, was his reply. Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus, But who is the fourth person? Oh, that's Pontius-the-pilot.

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The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."

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A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would spring, and the actor would drop from view. The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"

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Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked."

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A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she paused, "grandpa, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago." Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better, isn't he?

wow-whistler 2006 memories part iii

2006-02-14T00:30:00.000-08:00

Loop Verse 2

Moments

Continue our legend, that’s our trend
need time to mend after we Ty….one on
‘till the break of dawn, hit the bong
Super bowl through May Long

CMJ

wow-whistler 2006 memories part ii

2006-02-13T10:04:00.000-08:00

From: Tyler Haraldsen

To summarize Benner’s email and continue the chain …

Some of the crews musical talent is mad DJ’n and spinn’n - Awesome!! … I write & sing cheesy guitar songs and lyrics haha.. so I wrote yet another song summarizing the weekend .. Thought I would share ….

(verse only)

Moments

Six billion don’t realize,
we need to love life ‘n patronize
Most of us never connect with it,
only those who push for the limit

I found it up in a higher state,
while taking some time to accelerate
It could have been the drugs or alcohol,
or just the wild crew all messed up ’n colorful

Life is made of these moments,
like a famous quote, seize it and own it
Capture each second with loved ones and friends,
cause no one knows when our time ends

Till the next Johns Bros bash...

nice try

2006-02-10T13:45:00.000-08:00

One day an employee sends a letter to her boss asking for an increase in her salary!!!

Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing MO$t de$perately.

I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of U$ worker$ who have given $O much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,

Marian $hih

The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:

Dear Marian

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed.

You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

NOw the newspapers are saying the world's leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession.

After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,
Manager

wow-whistler 2006 memories part i

2006-02-09T15:43:00.000-08:00

From: Mark Bener

Every year, after the weekend is over, I say to myself (on the way home) THIS IS THE LAST YEAR!! WHY DO I PUT MY BODY THROUGH THIS??

Then, after a couple of days pass, and i start to feel my FEET , regain my sense of Touch , Smell, ETC.

Then the most Amazing sense returns…….MEMORY.

Then a grin from ear to ear sets in…..then the smiles, and then the chuckles. Then I mutter to myself,,,

> >>>>>>>> WHAT A FUCKIN AWASOME TRIP>>>>>>>>>>>

SO, THANKS to all the beauties that partied in a Warehouse/carwash till 5am with me (WOW that was fuckin awesome.)

SO, THANKS to all the beauties that stormed the front door of whistler's best bar to take it over, and use it as we PLEASE. Honestly!!!!! I think the manager was impressed with CREW.

SO, THANKS to all the beauties that made that boring super bowl game between PIT and SEA a memorable one. 1700$ later , thanks CARMEN for the generous gift…..beauty.

SO, DOUBLE THANKS to the Johnson BROS. and Iron, for making this weekend happen.

AND ESPECIAL THANKS to everyone there this weekend.. for giving me the MEMORIES,( to warrant about 5mins of high velocity ARM PUMPS) to PROMISE myself that I will for shure, be at WHISTLER SUPER BOWL 2007.

Take it easy, rest up.

BENER,