Monday, January 30, 2006
living will
I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.
Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
______a Bloody Mary,
______a Margarita
______a Kob Creek on the rocks
______a Martini
______a Vodka and Tonic
______a Steak
______Lobster or crab legs
______The remote control
______spicy chiken wings
______The hockey page
______Chocolate
______Sex
it should be presumed that I won't ever get better.
When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day. At this point it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had.
Signature: ___________________________
Date: ___________________________
Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
______a Bloody Mary,
______a Margarita
______a Kob Creek on the rocks
______a Martini
______a Vodka and Tonic
______a Steak
______Lobster or crab legs
______The remote control
______spicy chiken wings
______The hockey page
______Chocolate
______Sex
it should be presumed that I won't ever get better.
When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day. At this point it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had.
Signature: ___________________________
Date: ___________________________
Friday, January 27, 2006
heaven
The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen, and a waterfall in the master! bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.
The old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," St. Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven." The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic desserts, free-flowing beverages and a fountain of champagne. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked. "That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. "This is Heaven!" The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer. "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."!" "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your freakin' bran muffins. We could have been here twenty years ago!"
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen, and a waterfall in the master! bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.
The old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," St. Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven." The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic desserts, free-flowing beverages and a fountain of champagne. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked. "That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. "This is Heaven!" The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer. "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."!" "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your freakin' bran muffins. We could have been here twenty years ago!"
Thursday, January 26, 2006
so you think you know everything?
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
On a Canadian two-dollar bill (which has been out of cisculation since 1996), the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
There are only four words in the English language that end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewable Vitamins.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men ... they talk more than twice as much as men.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself. ............. Now you know everything.
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
On a Canadian two-dollar bill (which has been out of cisculation since 1996), the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
There are only four words in the English language that end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewable Vitamins.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men ... they talk more than twice as much as men.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself. ............. Now you know everything.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
true/false test for rednecks
- A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
- Asphalt describes rectal problems.
- Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
- Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack.
- The clitoris is a type of flower.
- A G-string is part of a fiddle.
- Semen is a term for sailors.
- Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
- Testicles are found on an Octopus.
- A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
- KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.
- Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
- Coitus is a musical instrument.
- Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
- An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
- A condom is a large apartment complex.
- An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.
- A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
- A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
- An erection is when Japanese people vote.
- A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
- Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass.
- Pornography is the business of making records.
- Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
- Douche is the French word for "twelve."
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
do you feel old yet?
1975: Long hair
2005: Longing for hair
1975: KEG
2005: EKG
1975: Acid rock
2005: Acid reflux
1975: Moving to California because it's cool
2005: Moving to Arizona because it's warm
1975: Tryin to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2005: Trying NOT to look like MarlonBrando or Liz Taylor
1975: Seeds and stems
2005: Roughage
1975: Hoping for a BMW
2005: Hoping for a BM
1975: Going to a new, hip joint
2005: Receiving a new hip joint
1975: Rolling Stones
2005: Kidney Stones
1975: Being called into the principal's office
2005: Calling the principal's office
1975: Screw the system
2005: Upgrade the system
1975: Disco
2005: Costco
1975: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2005: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1975: Passing the drivers' test
2005: Passing the vision test
1975: Whatever
2005: Depends
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things..
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1987.
They are too young to remember the first space shuttle blowing up on liftoff.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced the year they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane".
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
2005: Longing for hair
1975: KEG
2005: EKG
1975: Acid rock
2005: Acid reflux
1975: Moving to California because it's cool
2005: Moving to Arizona because it's warm
1975: Tryin to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2005: Trying NOT to look like MarlonBrando or Liz Taylor
1975: Seeds and stems
2005: Roughage
1975: Hoping for a BMW
2005: Hoping for a BM
1975: Going to a new, hip joint
2005: Receiving a new hip joint
1975: Rolling Stones
2005: Kidney Stones
1975: Being called into the principal's office
2005: Calling the principal's office
1975: Screw the system
2005: Upgrade the system
1975: Disco
2005: Costco
1975: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2005: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1975: Passing the drivers' test
2005: Passing the vision test
1975: Whatever
2005: Depends
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things..
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1987.
They are too young to remember the first space shuttle blowing up on liftoff.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced the year they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane".
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Friday, January 20, 2006
yoga around the world
It's amazing how two such different cultures manage to achieve such similar reults!
Indian Yoga:
(CLICK the pciture to enlarge it if you'd like the read the text)
Irish Yoga:
Indian Yoga:
(CLICK the pciture to enlarge it if you'd like the read the text)
Irish Yoga:
Thursday, January 19, 2006
ever worked in hi-tech? well this is what it looks like...
This looks like the typical software development life cycle at all the tech compaines I used to work for! Not so at Visage!
click on the picture to enlarge it so you can read the captions.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
six affairs
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said:
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented,
"I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:"How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison work."
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said:
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented,
"I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:"How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison work."
Monday, January 16, 2006
cure for shyness
Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist/bar tender about Tequila®.
Tequila® is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila® can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Tequila® almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila®.
Tequila® may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila®. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
Tequila®: Leave Shyness Behind!
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist/bar tender about Tequila®.
Tequila® is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila® can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Tequila® almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila®.
Tequila® may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila®. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
Tequila®: Leave Shyness Behind!
Sunday, January 15, 2006
the nhl's new rules
I don't usually like Americans taking the usual pot-shots at hockey with their lame jokes, but I just cannot resist this little bit form the comic geniuses at the Onion.
Click the picture to enlarge it and read the captions.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
letterman vs. o'reilley
This is a pretty interesting interview on the CBS Late Show. Letterman has an informal debate with Fox Favorite spin-meister, Bill O'Reilly. It's not that intellectual a debate, but O'Reilly gets his ass handed to him by Letterman and the audience.
CLICK HERE
CLICK HERE
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
as corrupt as they come
Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 300 employees and has the following statistics?:
* 30 have been accused of spousal abuse.
* 9 have been arrested for fraud.
* 14 have been accused of writing bad cheques.
* 95 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses.
* 4 have done time for assault.
* 55 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit.
* 12 have been arrested on drug related charges.
* 4 have been arrested for shoplifting.
* 16 are currently defendants in lawsuits.
* 62 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year.
Can you guess which organization this is?
It is the 301 MP's in the Canadian Parliament. The same group that cranks out hundred of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.
Which one did you vote for?
TAKEN FROM THE OTTAWA CITIZEN
Brutal!!! The good old Canadian government has got its fair share of corruption, but thinking about it, I bet most countries have similar rogue's galleries in their legislature. Just imagine what it looks like in Argentina, Rwanda or France. Then again, I wonder what the role call would look like for US legislators? Tom Delay come to mind?
* 30 have been accused of spousal abuse.
* 9 have been arrested for fraud.
* 14 have been accused of writing bad cheques.
* 95 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses.
* 4 have done time for assault.
* 55 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit.
* 12 have been arrested on drug related charges.
* 4 have been arrested for shoplifting.
* 16 are currently defendants in lawsuits.
* 62 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year.
Can you guess which organization this is?
It is the 301 MP's in the Canadian Parliament. The same group that cranks out hundred of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.
Which one did you vote for?
TAKEN FROM THE OTTAWA CITIZEN
Brutal!!! The good old Canadian government has got its fair share of corruption, but thinking about it, I bet most countries have similar rogue's galleries in their legislature. Just imagine what it looks like in Argentina, Rwanda or France. Then again, I wonder what the role call would look like for US legislators? Tom Delay come to mind?
Friday, January 06, 2006
great article from the SF Chronicle about what my company does
Battle rages for the luxury phone market
Virtual networks go after high-end mobile customers
Ryan Kim, Chronicle Staff Writer
Monday, January 2, 2006
Back in the late 1970s, ESPN and a host of other budding channels rode in on cable and flooded the nation's television airwaves that had been dominated by a handful of national broadcasters.
Today, ESPN is making another push, this time with cell phones, to offer subscribers a personalized, sports-focused alternative to the big national cell phone operators. And just like at the dawn of cable, ESPN has company -- other rivals poised to take on the established likes of Verizon, Sprint and Cingular.
Pretty soon, a sports fan will be able to watch SportsCenter, follow a fantasy football player and get live updates of NFL games. A hip-hop aficionado will tune into the latest video from Kanye West. Techno-geeks could watch live satellite television on the go while Spanish speakers could send text messages and get customer support services in Spanish. It will all happen on specially designed cell phones.
Mobile ESPN is part of a new breed of cell phone carriers called mobile virtual network operators that buy wholesale minutes and data from the large cell phone carriers and then use them to sell cell phones and service for a niche audience.
Theoretically, the partnership helps a cell phone carrier expand its customer base at minimal cost while opening the door to new opportunities for profit for the network operator.
There's a potential downside: The niche operators are banking that enough subscribers will buy the new product, which can cost as much $400 for a handset and $65 for monthly service.
In addition to Mobile ESPN, the companies set to begin service this year include ESPN's parent company, Disney; Amp'd, an Irvine cell phone carrier that goes after young people; and Helio, a Los Angeles partnership between EarthLink and SK, the leading cell phone company in South Korea.
They join established companies like Virgin, the first large virtual operator, prepaid calling plan Tracphone Wireless and Movida, a new service for Spanish speakers.
The companies say that as the big national cell phone carriers try to gobble up the last nonusers of cell phones with their broad service approach, they have overlooked a market: people seeking a personalized cell phone experience.
Now, 2 out of 3 Americans own a cell phone. But as that percentage approaches 75 to 80 percent, the pool of new customers dries up.
The new niche carriers are trying to snap up some of the people who have yet to buy a phone and also lure away from the big firms those customers who yearn for a phone experience that caters to their tastes.
"The carriers are realizing to get the last customers they need to offer more than just a mass approach," said Marina Amoroso, an analyst with the Yankee Group. "The companies offer everything, but it's not customized to really penetrate the rest of the market."
She said the virtual networks are using an approach similar to that used by cable TV companies to "reach out and tap a group of people ignored or underserved by wireless."
Virtual networks generate about $3.5 billion in annual revenue from about 12 million subscribers in a country of 200 million cell phone users. Amoroso predicts the market, with about three dozen established or soon-to-be started companies, will grow to 29 million in 2010 and about $10.7 billion in revenue.
The rise of niche carriers is being assisted by companies like San Francisco's Visage, a carrier support company that handles billing and customer service. Visage, which has signed deals with ESPN and Voce, a luxury-brand carrier, has made it easier for newcomers to start operations with as little as $50 million in seed money.
Advances in handset and network technology have also nudged many brands to take the plunge. These advances allow new carriers to show off a wide range of data-intensive services and content like video and music.
"The wireless phones have evolved to a place where they're not just about talk anymore," said Manish Jha, general manager of Mobile ESPN. "The phones can deliver a really good wireless content experience and that has piqued the curiosity of content providers."
ESPN a major player
Much of the expected growth in this market is predicated on the success of names like ESPN, which is set to start nationally on Feb. 5 and boasts one of the largest customer bases of all the new services. Close to 100 million people watch the company's cable channel, visit its Internet site, listen to its radio station and read its magazine at least once a week.
The mobile service, which will include a jet-black phone, will serve up video clips, statistics, player information and scores using a sports-centric interface.
While Mobile ESPN will clearly try to duplicate its cable television success, Amp'd is hoping to become the MTV of the virtual carriers. To do that, it has struck a partnership with MTV and Universal Music to bring videos, music, games and other content to the teenage and young adult set. The service, which starts this month, will be just the second to offer downloadable music and the first to price it at 99 cents per song.
Helio promises to bring a slew of advance features that Americans technophiles only have read about or seen on trips to Asia. This spring, the company will offer new devices that have unavailable in the United States and services including satellite television beamed directly to a phone.
Premium price is asked
While the personalized operator market also includes low-cost prepaid carriers like 7-Eleven's wireless service, the latest wave includes many companies looking to charge a premium for both the handsets and the cell phone plans. ESPN, for example, plans on pricing their phones at $399 and its most basic service at $65 a month. No one tops Voce, a luxury brand that offers service for a $1,500 sign-up fee and $500 a month.
The higher prices underline the larger challenge facing the new carriers: customer acquisition. Will people be willing to pay for these niche services, and will there be enough business to go around?
It typically costs a carrier about $300 to acquire a new customer. That financial burden now falls to the upstarts, who may have some brand awareness but will still need to work at snagging customers, many of whom have already signed contracts with other carriers.
"It's definitely going to be harder than it sounds to acquire millions of users in the U.S.," said Gartner analyst Michael King. "It's going to be a lot of work, and you can't make light of that."
The challenges don't faze the new carriers, who say you don't need gaudy numbers to get off the ground. The beauty of being a niche operator is that you can make plenty of profit with a small but high-paying customer base, said Peter Adderton, founder and chief executive officer of Amp'd Mobile.
"We don't need tons and tons of people," he said. "We're more interested in quality over quantity and saying we have good customers, low (turnover) and high revenue per user."
While the growth of virtual operators may ultimately cost the established national carriers some of their individual customers, the operators have increasingly been giving their blessings to these ventures. Sprint has historically led the way, but Verizon and Cingular have recently followed suit, signing wholesale agreements with various startups.
The partnerships, once viewed with extreme skepticism, have become a popular way to expand a carrier's customer base without shelling out the marketing dollars required to do so. Sprint, for example, has 4.6 million wholesale subscribers, a tenth of its total.
The only issue, said David Bottoms, Sprint's vice president of strategic partners, is finding the right partner, someone who won't steal away a significant number of your customers.
"ESPN, for example, is going after high-end customers, and in some cases there is a risk of cannibalization, but we expect they will take our new fast data network and really showcase our ability with streaming video and clips," he said.
Analysts said the string of new carriers offering service is likely to continue. Wal-Mart and Apple have been rumored to be considering a move into mobile, but Amoroso said there are other media or retail companies that could easily move into the virtual carrier market.
The key to success won't be in simply tapping a well-known brand name, said King, the analyst. It's about delivering truly unique service.
"It's going to completely depend on the operator's ability to set expectations and then really provide a branded service that isn't just brand name on a phone," said King.
E-mail Ryan Kim at rkim@sfchronicle.com.
Page C - 1
Virtual networks go after high-end mobile customers
Ryan Kim, Chronicle Staff Writer
Monday, January 2, 2006
Back in the late 1970s, ESPN and a host of other budding channels rode in on cable and flooded the nation's television airwaves that had been dominated by a handful of national broadcasters.
Today, ESPN is making another push, this time with cell phones, to offer subscribers a personalized, sports-focused alternative to the big national cell phone operators. And just like at the dawn of cable, ESPN has company -- other rivals poised to take on the established likes of Verizon, Sprint and Cingular.
Pretty soon, a sports fan will be able to watch SportsCenter, follow a fantasy football player and get live updates of NFL games. A hip-hop aficionado will tune into the latest video from Kanye West. Techno-geeks could watch live satellite television on the go while Spanish speakers could send text messages and get customer support services in Spanish. It will all happen on specially designed cell phones.
Mobile ESPN is part of a new breed of cell phone carriers called mobile virtual network operators that buy wholesale minutes and data from the large cell phone carriers and then use them to sell cell phones and service for a niche audience.
Theoretically, the partnership helps a cell phone carrier expand its customer base at minimal cost while opening the door to new opportunities for profit for the network operator.
There's a potential downside: The niche operators are banking that enough subscribers will buy the new product, which can cost as much $400 for a handset and $65 for monthly service.
In addition to Mobile ESPN, the companies set to begin service this year include ESPN's parent company, Disney; Amp'd, an Irvine cell phone carrier that goes after young people; and Helio, a Los Angeles partnership between EarthLink and SK, the leading cell phone company in South Korea.
They join established companies like Virgin, the first large virtual operator, prepaid calling plan Tracphone Wireless and Movida, a new service for Spanish speakers.
The companies say that as the big national cell phone carriers try to gobble up the last nonusers of cell phones with their broad service approach, they have overlooked a market: people seeking a personalized cell phone experience.
Now, 2 out of 3 Americans own a cell phone. But as that percentage approaches 75 to 80 percent, the pool of new customers dries up.
The new niche carriers are trying to snap up some of the people who have yet to buy a phone and also lure away from the big firms those customers who yearn for a phone experience that caters to their tastes.
"The carriers are realizing to get the last customers they need to offer more than just a mass approach," said Marina Amoroso, an analyst with the Yankee Group. "The companies offer everything, but it's not customized to really penetrate the rest of the market."
She said the virtual networks are using an approach similar to that used by cable TV companies to "reach out and tap a group of people ignored or underserved by wireless."
Virtual networks generate about $3.5 billion in annual revenue from about 12 million subscribers in a country of 200 million cell phone users. Amoroso predicts the market, with about three dozen established or soon-to-be started companies, will grow to 29 million in 2010 and about $10.7 billion in revenue.
The rise of niche carriers is being assisted by companies like San Francisco's Visage, a carrier support company that handles billing and customer service. Visage, which has signed deals with ESPN and Voce, a luxury-brand carrier, has made it easier for newcomers to start operations with as little as $50 million in seed money.
Advances in handset and network technology have also nudged many brands to take the plunge. These advances allow new carriers to show off a wide range of data-intensive services and content like video and music.
"The wireless phones have evolved to a place where they're not just about talk anymore," said Manish Jha, general manager of Mobile ESPN. "The phones can deliver a really good wireless content experience and that has piqued the curiosity of content providers."
ESPN a major player
Much of the expected growth in this market is predicated on the success of names like ESPN, which is set to start nationally on Feb. 5 and boasts one of the largest customer bases of all the new services. Close to 100 million people watch the company's cable channel, visit its Internet site, listen to its radio station and read its magazine at least once a week.
The mobile service, which will include a jet-black phone, will serve up video clips, statistics, player information and scores using a sports-centric interface.
While Mobile ESPN will clearly try to duplicate its cable television success, Amp'd is hoping to become the MTV of the virtual carriers. To do that, it has struck a partnership with MTV and Universal Music to bring videos, music, games and other content to the teenage and young adult set. The service, which starts this month, will be just the second to offer downloadable music and the first to price it at 99 cents per song.
Helio promises to bring a slew of advance features that Americans technophiles only have read about or seen on trips to Asia. This spring, the company will offer new devices that have unavailable in the United States and services including satellite television beamed directly to a phone.
Premium price is asked
While the personalized operator market also includes low-cost prepaid carriers like 7-Eleven's wireless service, the latest wave includes many companies looking to charge a premium for both the handsets and the cell phone plans. ESPN, for example, plans on pricing their phones at $399 and its most basic service at $65 a month. No one tops Voce, a luxury brand that offers service for a $1,500 sign-up fee and $500 a month.
The higher prices underline the larger challenge facing the new carriers: customer acquisition. Will people be willing to pay for these niche services, and will there be enough business to go around?
It typically costs a carrier about $300 to acquire a new customer. That financial burden now falls to the upstarts, who may have some brand awareness but will still need to work at snagging customers, many of whom have already signed contracts with other carriers.
"It's definitely going to be harder than it sounds to acquire millions of users in the U.S.," said Gartner analyst Michael King. "It's going to be a lot of work, and you can't make light of that."
The challenges don't faze the new carriers, who say you don't need gaudy numbers to get off the ground. The beauty of being a niche operator is that you can make plenty of profit with a small but high-paying customer base, said Peter Adderton, founder and chief executive officer of Amp'd Mobile.
"We don't need tons and tons of people," he said. "We're more interested in quality over quantity and saying we have good customers, low (turnover) and high revenue per user."
While the growth of virtual operators may ultimately cost the established national carriers some of their individual customers, the operators have increasingly been giving their blessings to these ventures. Sprint has historically led the way, but Verizon and Cingular have recently followed suit, signing wholesale agreements with various startups.
The partnerships, once viewed with extreme skepticism, have become a popular way to expand a carrier's customer base without shelling out the marketing dollars required to do so. Sprint, for example, has 4.6 million wholesale subscribers, a tenth of its total.
The only issue, said David Bottoms, Sprint's vice president of strategic partners, is finding the right partner, someone who won't steal away a significant number of your customers.
"ESPN, for example, is going after high-end customers, and in some cases there is a risk of cannibalization, but we expect they will take our new fast data network and really showcase our ability with streaming video and clips," he said.
Analysts said the string of new carriers offering service is likely to continue. Wal-Mart and Apple have been rumored to be considering a move into mobile, but Amoroso said there are other media or retail companies that could easily move into the virtual carrier market.
The key to success won't be in simply tapping a well-known brand name, said King, the analyst. It's about delivering truly unique service.
"It's going to completely depend on the operator's ability to set expectations and then really provide a branded service that isn't just brand name on a phone," said King.
E-mail Ryan Kim at rkim@sfchronicle.com.
Page C - 1
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Free 411
Cell phone companies are charging users $1.00, or more, for each, and every, 411- information call made, when they really don't have to.
The solution: When you need to use the 411- information option, simply dial 1(800) FREE 411 or, for those of you who are alphabetically challenged, 1 (800) 373-3411. You will not incur any charge, as you usually do, for telephone information, except for the minutes required to make the cell phone call.
This is information people don't mind receiving - Pass it on at will.
PS: It also works with your home phone.
The solution: When you need to use the 411- information option, simply dial 1(800) FREE 411 or, for those of you who are alphabetically challenged, 1 (800) 373-3411. You will not incur any charge, as you usually do, for telephone information, except for the minutes required to make the cell phone call.
This is information people don't mind receiving - Pass it on at will.
PS: It also works with your home phone.
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
smoking ladies
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mable: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mable: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.
The pharmacist fainted.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mable: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mable: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.
The pharmacist fainted.
