Monday, February 27, 2006
fukitol
Friday, February 24, 2006
top adult jokes of 2004
Number 4
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
Number 3
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
Number 2
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't!" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did." he replied.
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
Number 1
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said.
"We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
Number 3
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
Number 2
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't!" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did." he replied.
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
Number 1
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said.
"We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
Thursday, February 23, 2006
valentine's day for men
Every 14th of February men get the chance to display their fondness for their wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic.
Every Valentines Day man rack their brains for that one special, unique gift that will show their wife or girlfriend that they really love them more than anything. Now ladies, I'll let you in on a little secret.... guys really don't enjoy this. Sure seeing that smile on their face when we get it right is priceless, but that smile is the result of weeks of blood, sweat and consideration. Another secret.... guys feel left out. That's right... left out.
There's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it. Which is why a new holiday has been created. March 20th is now officially "Steak and Blowjob Day". Simple, effective and self-explanatory.... this holiday has been created so ladies finally have a day to show their man just how much they love him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town - the name of the holiday explains it all.... just a steak and a BJ. That's it!
Finally, this twin pair of Valentines Day and Steak and Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual love machine. The word is already beginning to spread, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world.
Every Valentines Day man rack their brains for that one special, unique gift that will show their wife or girlfriend that they really love them more than anything. Now ladies, I'll let you in on a little secret.... guys really don't enjoy this. Sure seeing that smile on their face when we get it right is priceless, but that smile is the result of weeks of blood, sweat and consideration. Another secret.... guys feel left out. That's right... left out.
There's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it. Which is why a new holiday has been created. March 20th is now officially "Steak and Blowjob Day". Simple, effective and self-explanatory.... this holiday has been created so ladies finally have a day to show their man just how much they love him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town - the name of the holiday explains it all.... just a steak and a BJ. That's it!
Finally, this twin pair of Valentines Day and Steak and Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual love machine. The word is already beginning to spread, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
kids and religion...
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Pastor said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
------------------------------------------------------
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand and yell, than to sit and listen."
------------------------------------------------------
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
------------------------------------------------------
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
------------------------------------------------------
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"
------------------------------------------------------
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. The Flight to Egypt, was his reply. Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus, But who is the fourth person? Oh, that's Pontius-the-pilot.
------------------------------------------------------
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."
------------------------------------------------------
A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would spring, and the actor would drop from view. The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"
------------------------------------------------------
Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked."
------------------------------------------------------
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she paused, "grandpa, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago." Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better, isn't he?
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Pastor said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
------------------------------------------------------
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand and yell, than to sit and listen."
------------------------------------------------------
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
------------------------------------------------------
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
------------------------------------------------------
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"
------------------------------------------------------
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. The Flight to Egypt, was his reply. Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus, But who is the fourth person? Oh, that's Pontius-the-pilot.
------------------------------------------------------
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."
------------------------------------------------------
A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would spring, and the actor would drop from view. The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"
------------------------------------------------------
Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked."
------------------------------------------------------
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she paused, "grandpa, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago." Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better, isn't he?
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
wow-whistler 2006 memories part iii
Loop Verse 2
Moments
Continue our legend, that’s our trend
need time to mend after we Ty….one on
‘till the break of dawn, hit the bong
Super bowl through May Long
CMJ
Moments
Continue our legend, that’s our trend
need time to mend after we Ty….one on
‘till the break of dawn, hit the bong
Super bowl through May Long
CMJ
Monday, February 13, 2006
wow-whistler 2006 memories part ii
From: Tyler Haraldsen
To summarize Benner’s email and continue the chain …
Some of the crews musical talent is mad DJ’n and spinn’n - Awesome!! … I write & sing cheesy guitar songs and lyrics haha.. so I wrote yet another song summarizing the weekend .. Thought I would share ….
(verse only)
Moments
Six billion don’t realize,
we need to love life ‘n patronize
Most of us never connect with it,
only those who push for the limit
I found it up in a higher state,
while taking some time to accelerate
It could have been the drugs or alcohol,
or just the wild crew all messed up ’n colorful
Life is made of these moments,
like a famous quote, seize it and own it
Capture each second with loved ones and friends,
cause no one knows when our time ends
Till the next Johns Bros bash...
To summarize Benner’s email and continue the chain …
Some of the crews musical talent is mad DJ’n and spinn’n - Awesome!! … I write & sing cheesy guitar songs and lyrics haha.. so I wrote yet another song summarizing the weekend .. Thought I would share ….
(verse only)
Moments
Six billion don’t realize,
we need to love life ‘n patronize
Most of us never connect with it,
only those who push for the limit
I found it up in a higher state,
while taking some time to accelerate
It could have been the drugs or alcohol,
or just the wild crew all messed up ’n colorful
Life is made of these moments,
like a famous quote, seize it and own it
Capture each second with loved ones and friends,
cause no one knows when our time ends
Till the next Johns Bros bash...
Friday, February 10, 2006
nice try
One day an employee sends a letter to her boss asking for an increase in her salary!!!
Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing MO$t de$perately.
I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of U$ worker$ who have given $O much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
Marian $hih
The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:
Dear Marian
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed.
You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.
NOw the newspapers are saying the world's leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession.
After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
Yours truly,
Manager
Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing MO$t de$perately.
I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of U$ worker$ who have given $O much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
Marian $hih
The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:
Dear Marian
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed.
You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.
NOw the newspapers are saying the world's leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession.
After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
Yours truly,
Manager
Thursday, February 09, 2006
wow-whistler 2006 memories part i
From: Mark Bener
Every year, after the weekend is over, I say to myself (on the way home) THIS IS THE LAST YEAR!! WHY DO I PUT MY BODY THROUGH THIS??
Then, after a couple of days pass, and i start to feel my FEET , regain my sense of Touch , Smell, ETC.
Then the most Amazing sense returns…….MEMORY.
Then a grin from ear to ear sets in…..then the smiles, and then the chuckles. Then I mutter to myself,,,
> >>>>>>>> WHAT A FUCKIN AWASOME TRIP>>>>>>>>>>>
SO, THANKS to all the beauties that partied in a Warehouse/carwash till 5am with me (WOW that was fuckin awesome.)
SO, THANKS to all the beauties that stormed the front door of whistler's best bar to take it over, and use it as we PLEASE. Honestly!!!!! I think the manager was impressed with CREW.
SO, THANKS to all the beauties that made that boring super bowl game between PIT and SEA a memorable one. 1700$ later , thanks CARMEN for the generous gift…..beauty.
SO, DOUBLE THANKS to the Johnson BROS. and Iron, for making this weekend happen.
AND ESPECIAL THANKS to everyone there this weekend.. for giving me the MEMORIES,( to warrant about 5mins of high velocity ARM PUMPS) to PROMISE myself that I will for shure, be at WHISTLER SUPER BOWL 2007.
Take it easy, rest up.
BENER,
Every year, after the weekend is over, I say to myself (on the way home) THIS IS THE LAST YEAR!! WHY DO I PUT MY BODY THROUGH THIS??
Then, after a couple of days pass, and i start to feel my FEET , regain my sense of Touch , Smell, ETC.
Then the most Amazing sense returns…….MEMORY.
Then a grin from ear to ear sets in…..then the smiles, and then the chuckles. Then I mutter to myself,,,
> >>>>>>>> WHAT A FUCKIN AWASOME TRIP>>>>>>>>>>>
SO, THANKS to all the beauties that partied in a Warehouse/carwash till 5am with me (WOW that was fuckin awesome.)
SO, THANKS to all the beauties that stormed the front door of whistler's best bar to take it over, and use it as we PLEASE. Honestly!!!!! I think the manager was impressed with CREW.
SO, THANKS to all the beauties that made that boring super bowl game between PIT and SEA a memorable one. 1700$ later , thanks CARMEN for the generous gift…..beauty.
SO, DOUBLE THANKS to the Johnson BROS. and Iron, for making this weekend happen.
AND ESPECIAL THANKS to everyone there this weekend.. for giving me the MEMORIES,( to warrant about 5mins of high velocity ARM PUMPS) to PROMISE myself that I will for shure, be at WHISTLER SUPER BOWL 2007.
Take it easy, rest up.
BENER,
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
smart-ass fuzz
The following 15 Police Comments were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.
#15. "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
#14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."
#11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
#10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
#9. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. ! Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey DOO."
#6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5. "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
#4. "Just how big were those two beers?"
#3. "In God we trust, all others we run through CPI C/NCIC.."
#2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
And.................... THE BEST ONE !!!!!!!
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
#15. "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
#14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."
#11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
#10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
#9. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. ! Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey DOO."
#6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5. "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
#4. "Just how big were those two beers?"
#3. "In God we trust, all others we run through CPI C/NCIC.."
#2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
And.................... THE BEST ONE !!!!!!!
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
Thursday, February 02, 2006
sweating like a whore at tax season
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says:
"Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number,etc, and then asks, what is your occupation?"
"I'm a whore," she says.
"No, No, No, that won't work. That is too gross.Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK., I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman says,
"I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore call girl?'
"Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year."
"Good enough."
The accountant says:
"Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number,etc, and then asks, what is your occupation?"
"I'm a whore," she says.
"No, No, No, that won't work. That is too gross.Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK., I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman says,
"I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore call girl?'
"Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year."
"Good enough."
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
the old cow
Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a rural NY country road one evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it, but couldn't - the old cow was killed.
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.
About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, an expensive Cuban cigar in the other and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
"What happened?" asked Hillary.
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The driver replied: "I said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I just killed the old cow."
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.
About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, an expensive Cuban cigar in the other and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
"What happened?" asked Hillary.
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The driver replied: "I said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I just killed the old cow."
