Saturday, April 29, 2006
red skelton’s recipe for the perfect marriage
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There a re too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" ... So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"
Friday, April 28, 2006
growing up...
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People' words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use "Big People' words."
She then asked little Alec what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride,and said, "Winnie the SHIT."
Thursday, April 27, 2006
nice crotch shot...
Digital Camera: 199.00
Lunch in arcarde with friend: 9.58
Picture with friend with big boner in the back ground: priceless
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
7 kinds of sex
Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little from time-to-time, but not enough to live on.
Friday, April 21, 2006
would you hire this guy?
Resume of G. Daddy "Pop Gun" Patterson
Objective
To obtain a position in a really good company, one that has leather chairs and really good, wooden desks.
February 2005 Present
Mobile DVD Rentals Owner/Operator/CEO
Duties included driving a converted milk truck through sub-divisions and renting out movies. I would ring the bell, like the old ice cream truck guys, and parents and kids would come running out of their flimsy McMansions with cash to rent dvds. Also provided popcorn and liquorices. Sold it to a veteran who painted it camouflage and only rents Vietnam War movies.
September 2004 November 2004
No Kidding, I'm Honest Inc. Owner/Operator/CEO
Regularly borrowed money from friends and family members then took the train to Atlantic City everyday to play roulette. Duties included dressing in a white dinner jacket and talking like Humphrey Bogart. At the end of each day I would hitchhike back to the shelter for a hot meal. Finally had to quit the business after being banned from each of the casinos.
April 2003 July 2004
Inventor Owner/Operator/CEO
Invented quite a few products, most notably the Trouser Stretcher and a device that makes you invisible while driving through New Jersey. Government agents, posing as venture capital guys, took the New Jersey thing from me, but two of them did use the Trouser Stretcher before they left. Tried to get my products patented but found out that costs money so I ended up trading them for a bunch of those glow-in-the-dark necklaces that you see at concerts.
August 2001 March 2003
I really don't remember that time
February 1999 July 2001
Cheap Land Deals Inc. - Owner/Operator/CEO
Raised money from advertising beachfront land for sale in the Caribbean. I didn't actually own the land and I think some of the people that did became a little irritated when the new "owners" showed up for vacation. Invested most of the money I earned in a Flying Car venture that a friend was working on in his basement. He says he is still working on it.
Education
Reading mostly. I like anything about UFO's and I just finished "101 Uses For A Lasso." I can do some math without a calculator and have the uncanny ability to predict when somebody is about to behave like Ethel Merman. Also, pretty good on the Internets.
Hobbies
Calling strangers and pretending to be Louis Armstrong
Hunting for Big Foot
Rubbing up against people on the bus
Thursday, April 20, 2006
how queer can you get?
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
bill gates' advice
Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.
Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Saying the right thing at the right time
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. But when he looks around everything is in order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house and there is a note from his wife.
"I will make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son.....what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that into the door."
Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!....Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, LEAVE ME ALONE LADY, I'M MARRIED!"
"I will make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son.....what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that into the door."
Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!....Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, LEAVE ME ALONE LADY, I'M MARRIED!"
Thursday, April 13, 2006
happy easter
Monday, April 10, 2006
the wet coast
A woman died, and found herself in a long line for judgment. As she stood there she noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others, though, were led over to Satan, who threw them into the burning pit.
But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul into a small pile off to one side. After watching Satan do this several times, the woman's curiosity got the better of her.
So she strolled over to find out what the devil he was doing. "Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," she said. "I'm waiting my turn for judgment, but couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside, instead of flinging them into the fires of Hell with the others?"
"Ah, those," Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Vancouver and Victoria,they're too wet to burn!"
But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul into a small pile off to one side. After watching Satan do this several times, the woman's curiosity got the better of her.
So she strolled over to find out what the devil he was doing. "Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," she said. "I'm waiting my turn for judgment, but couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside, instead of flinging them into the fires of Hell with the others?"
"Ah, those," Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Vancouver and Victoria,they're too wet to burn!"
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
help a brother man out!!
Click on this link:
http://www.helpwinmybet.com/
Not only is it funny, but you'll help a guy towards getting his girlfriend to agree to do something she woud not otherwise...
http://www.helpwinmybet.com/
Not only is it funny, but you'll help a guy towards getting his girlfriend to agree to do something she woud not otherwise...
husband and wife stores
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in San Francisco, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
A New Wives store opened across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
A New Wives store opened across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
catholic school fun
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?" When Mary Margaret didn't stir little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But Mary didn't stir from her slumber once again; Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. "Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" The Nun fainted!!
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?" When Mary Margaret didn't stir little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But Mary didn't stir from her slumber once again; Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. "Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" The Nun fainted!!
Monday, April 03, 2006
thoughts on friendship
When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whateveris choking you.
When you smile-- I will know you finally got laid.
When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
When you are confused -- I will use little words.
When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end.
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Remember.......A good friend will help you move..... a REALLY good friend will help you move a body.......let me know if You ever need me to bring a shovel.
------------------------------
Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth!
When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whateveris choking you.
When you smile-- I will know you finally got laid.
When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
When you are confused -- I will use little words.
When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end.
------------------------------
Remember.......A good friend will help you move..... a REALLY good friend will help you move a body.......let me know if You ever need me to bring a shovel.
------------------------------
Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth!
