Three Headed Dragon

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good sh*t."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can’t drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh crap, what the hell happened?"

Bonus:

26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership and past the Tim Horton's. Taking off down the Trans Canada, he floored it to 120 kph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the 401, pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the RCMP behind him, red and blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nut case as he floored it to 130 kph, then 140, then 150 kph.

Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!", pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Mountie to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the officer walked up to the driver's side of the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looking very seriously at the Mountie, said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with an RCMP officer. I thought you were bringing her back.

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Mountie.

Greetings! I hope this note finds you well. I am feeling good and looking forward to Christmas. It has been a great Christmas season so far and there’s more great stuff to come.

Marriage: Stephanie and I enjoyed our one-year anniversary (November 19th) by having a weekend up in wine country. Saturday night, we dined in Santa Rosa at a bistro called ‘Shiraz’ at their exclusive “Fountain Table”, which was like having our very own restaurant, surrounded by fountains. Sunday was a spa day in Calistoga with a mud bath, hot mineral soak, towel wrap, hour-long massages and facials. Being pampered in the wine country was a good way to celebrate each other and the great year of being together and just enjoying quiet time together.

Family: Stephanie was made an auntie for her first time (on the Kollmeyer side of the family)! Her brother, Chris, and his wife, Cammy, had their first little boy, Quinn, on July 23rd. They are living in Scotland now but have come to California for Christmas and some visits. In addition, my sister, Laura, and her husband, Robin, are had their second little boy, Spencer, on December 15th. We’re looking forward very much to welcoming Cammy’s Quinn and Laura’s Spencer to the families this Christmas season.

Moving: We left San Francisco this last July, my home these last ten years. We moved to Oakland, near the tree lined neighborhood of Piedmont. It’s a spacious one bedroom in a stylish 1920’s Moroccan style apartment building. We have quiet neighbors, easy parking and lots of storage space, all things unheard of in San Francisco. It’s alright...

Social Life: Moving to Oaktown is a little hard on our San Francisco based social life but we still attend many great parties. We enjoyed NYE at Deon and Jane’s Warehouse, dressed as pigs in space for Halloween (we were a convincing ‘Link Hogthrob’ & ‘Miss Piggy’), and enjoyed co-hosting a fantastic Bad Santa & Naughty Elf Christmas party at my old apartment in Potrero. This 5th year was easily the best yet. Joanna brought her shot-ski and Erik’s set up the portable exotic dancer pole, taking the party to new heights of fun and debauchery. (pictures available on request)

Camping: We went camping many times this year. A truly outstanding trip was backpacking in to Wheeler Lake in the high Sierras, with Stephanie’s Dad, willy. Other highlights included 4X4 camping at Duck Creek with Deon & Jane, as well as camping with them in Red Rock Canyon State Park this Thanksgiving long weekend.
We also did the annual trip to Burning Man. It was a great year as our camp really came together and the art and energy of the event was more intense than ever. We camped with Bob & Kat (newlyweds who are now expecting), Shannen & Jeff and Dave. One memorable evening, our friend Zach arrived like a celebrity, riding his massive 18-ton turn of the century steam engine, to dine at our camp for a Friday night sit down dinner. We later ride the engine across the playa (the dried-up lakebed which is the center of the event’s art) like rock stars!

Canada: I visited Whistler BC for the yearly Whistler Stupor Bowl guys’ weekend. I shared a room with Brian instead of staying at the insane frat-house. It was so much more civilized that this time we actually skied both days.
Stephanie and I went up to Vancouver at the end of May. It meant a lot to me to have the privilage of showing Stephanie the house in which I was raised, the Catholic school I attended (Vancouver College), the university at which I studied (University of British Columbia), where I played ice hockey (Arbutus Club), where I worked as a lifeguard (Vancouver’s beautiful beaches), the Theater I use to work at (Theater Under the Stars in Stanley Park), my favorite park (Whyte Cliff Park) and Whistler (the ski resort). We had a busy 4 days. The weather was terrible, but we had a great time anyway. For our last night in town there was one special English Bay sunset we enjoyed from the Sea Wall. Beauty was all around us as an extraordinary happy, warm bliss engulfed us with the post-sunset evening twilight.

Sports: I went thought the pain of trying a couple new hockey teams and settled on “The Citadel”. We’re middle of the pack and doing better each game. Each time I skate I remember how much I love and need to play hockey.
Breakout (the boat on which I race) had a rejuvenating year. Lloyd, the skipper and boat owner, is very pleased have picked up so eager and talented new race crew. I have moved from a student to a mentor, showing the newbies how to run the boat. As well, I’m flying the spinnaker now, a huge responsibility. We picked up a victory in our first race.
Stephanie and I had ski trips up to Tahoe this year. There were also some stellar ski days with Brian and one with Pete.
I joined the Oakland YMCA to get in shape, finally lose some weight and have the energy to play a meaner hockey game, ski better and just feel better about myself overall.

Work: I’m still at Visage Mobile as a computer programmer. It has been a rocky year with the uber painful ESPN account, on which we tackled many complex issues, only for them to give up and pull the plug for “tax reasons”. It was disappointing, but I will not miss their stress and pain. In the last few months things settled down and we have time to work more cogently. I had a very nice boss, Tor, start and leave in the same year. We still have other viable customers and now there are new opportunities which, with luck and hard work, could take us very far.

That’s all for this year’s newsletter! Have a Merry Christmas, great New Year and a Happy Holiday!

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....
6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate? Why is France so far away?
10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, JingleBells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells , Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

T'was the night before Christmas,
He lived all alone,
In a one bedroom house,
Made of plaster and stone.

I had come down the chimney,
With presents to give,
And to see just who,
In this home did live.

I looked all about,
A strange sight I did see,
No tinsel, no presents,
Not even a tree.

No stocking by the mantle,
Just boots filled with sand,
On the wall hung pictures,
Of far distant lands.

With medals and badges,
Awards of all kinds,
A sober thought,
Came through my mind.

For this house was different,
It was dark and dreary,
I found the home of a soldier,
Once I could see clearly.

The soldier lay sleeping,
Silent, alone,
Curled up on the floor,
In this one bedroom home.

The face was so gentle,
The room in such disorder,
Not how I pictured,
A Canadian soldier.

Was this the hero,
Of whom I'd just read?,
Curled up on a poncho,
The floor for a bed?

I realized the families,
That I saw this night,
Owed their lives to these soldiers,
Who were willing to fight.

Soon round the world,
The children would play,
And grownups would celebrate,
A bright Christmas day.

They all enjoyed freedom,
Each month of the year,
Because of the soldiers,
Like the one lying here.

I couldn't help wonder,
How many lay alone,
On a cold Christmas eve,
In a land far from home.


The very thought brought,
A tear to my eye,
I dropped to my knees,
And started to cry.

The soldier awakened,
And I heard a rough voice,
"Santa, don't cry,
This life is my choice.

I fight for freedom,
I don't ask for more,
My life is my god,
My country, my corps."

The soldier rolled over,
And drifted to sleep,
I couldn't control it,
I continued to weep.

I kept watch for hours,
So silent and still,
And we both shivered,
From the cold night's chill.

I didn't want to leave,
On that cold, dark night,
This guardian of honour,
So willing to fight.

Then the soldier rolled over,
With a voice, soft and pure,
Whispered, "carry on Santa,
It's Christmas day, all is secure."

One look at my watch,
And I knew he was right,
"Merry Christmas my friend,
And to all a good night."


This poem was written by a Peace Keeping Soldier stationed overseas.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle" he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you! Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowe's. You agree, and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, Twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, &24th. Also December 1st, 3rd, twice on the 5th, three times just yesterday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So, be careful.

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
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"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
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"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
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"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
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"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
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"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
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To some , it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
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Buffalo Theory of Drinking:

"A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
~ Cliff Clavin from Cheers

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

If you should ever be forced by a robber to withdraw money from
an ATM machine, you can notify the police by entering your Pin # in reverse.

For example if your pin number is 1234 then you would put in 4321. The ATM recognizes that your pin number is backwards from the ATM card you placed in the machine.

The machine will still give you the money you requested, but unknown to the robber, the police will be immediately dispatched to help you.

This information was recently broadcasted on TV and it states that it is seldom used
because people don't know it exists.

Please pass this along to everyone possible.

According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick, and would put it on in the washroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

He called all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are Educators